Today at 1pm I am taking my FCM & PBL exams with rest of the class. To say I am nervous about my classmates’ reactions to me would be an understatement. In fact, I am more nervous about what will go on BEFORE the test, than the actual test itself. But I can’t hide forever. It’s just so hard, being strong for the family and then breaking down at odd times, whenever I am alone. I have to thank my friends, though, because they have really been there throughout all of this. One (you know who you are) won’t let a day pass without calling and checking in on me, which really warms my heart. Even if I can’t always return the call (sorry girl, studying), it really makes me feel taken care of, for once in my life.
Houston hasn’t let me out of his sight practically, and has really stepped up to the plate. Last night after a long day of studying on campus, I came home to dinner already ordered and on its way–Lasagna for me, no less! It’s too bad my night was spoiled by family drama. Tensions are high so the slightest thing can set any one of us off (if you don’t believe me, ask Houston). Last night was one of those times. Just wish it hadn’t happened the night before my first test–I couldn’t get much of any studying in after that, but it’s okay. I’m pretty prepared, at least I think so, given the circumstances…
The problem is, I just don’t give a sh** about anything at all right now. I don’t care about school, I don’t care about TV, movies, music (okay except for Britney Spears’ new song “3”), sports….anything. I told Houston that I am so serotonin- (or is it dopamine?) -depleted now that it’s hard to feel anything about anything. But I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. The hardest times have been those times when it’s like my brain farts and I have one fleeting, involuntary thought like “I can’t wait to tell Erik about ________,” or “Next time I come home and see Erik, I’m looking forward to one of those squeezing hugs.”
And then I remember.