A World Without Erik

It seems odd, really. You think you’ll be with your siblings until the end…Long after your parents have moved on to Heaven, even longer after our grandparents have left this earth. What you don’t expect is to lose the bond of unconditional love (or as I like to call it, unconditional tolerance) known as siblinghood. 

It’s been 5 long years since I last spoke with, hugged, saw, or ruffled my brother’s hair. That fateful day on October 6, 2009 when I was studying for my medical school exams, and I got the horrific phone call from my mother screaming. My brother had committed suicide. Losing a long-suffering battle to Bipolar Depression, the world lost a shining star that day, and God gained an angel.

I still cry when I miss him. I still shudder and look away when movies or television shows show suicides by gunshot. I cringe internally when I see people jokingly put their hands in the shape of a gun to their head.

I love you, Erik.

October 6, 2010 – The Year Without My Brother

October 6, 2011 – Two Years Later

October 6, 2013 – Four Years Without My Brother

Today, please tell your loved ones how much they are loved!

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  1. Iris
    10.06.2014 / 2:12 pm

    I’m so sorry for your and your family’s loss. Nothing will fill or replace that hollow feeling. ~ Iris

  2. Marie
    10.06.2014 / 2:46 pm

    So sorry Kristina, may God comfort you today and always. Sending ((hugs)) your way.

    • 10.06.2014 / 3:11 pm

      Thank you Marie, it’s so very much appreciated.

  3. qkristen2
    10.06.2014 / 3:13 pm

    Thinking of you on this difficult day. Big Hugs.

  4. Guest
    10.06.2014 / 3:32 pm

    Wow… I so needed to read this. To know that my feelings about those gestures, the tv shows and movies, about people joking about “blowing their brains out” are not unusual. I lost my brother to suicide, a self inflicted gunshot, on October 11, 2009. This time of the year is always rough for me. I sometimes feel like I am just being too sensitive when these things bother me. There are still days when I can’t stop the tears no matter how hard I try. Reading your post triggered them. I have to say, though, that some of them were tears of relief in knowing that no, I am not being too sensitive. That my thoughts and feelings are not unjustified. Thank you for sharing your story. Please know that it does help others.

    • 10.06.2014 / 4:04 pm

      I am sorry for your loss as well! Never think you are being too sensitive. Those are your feelings and you have every right to be sad. Good luck getting through this period!!

      • Guest
        10.06.2014 / 4:12 pm

        Thank you for your kind words. They mean the world to me.

  5. Gabi Dantas
    10.06.2014 / 3:38 pm

    So Sorry for your loss Kristina.I’m 21 years old and I lost my grand father last year, september 18th, since then it has been a really difficult year. He was like a father to me, I lived with him, I called him “daddy”. Reading your story helps me somehow. Thanks for sharing that with us.

    All love and respect to you and your family.

  6. Sara
    10.06.2014 / 3:50 pm

    Thinking of you today Kristina, as I do every year. Big hugs to you today.

  7. 10.06.2014 / 4:02 pm

    This made me cry! My mom lost her brother when he was 18 years old. He was killed by a car while being on a motorcycle. Every time my mom see’s a motorcycle she cringes. I wish you all the best!! Big hug!

  8. Lisa Brooks
    10.06.2014 / 4:20 pm

    Sending hugs and prayers of comfort to you and your family today and always. I know that you miss him each and every day, however these significant days are always the hardest. Much love!

  9. Stillblondeafteralltheseyears
    10.06.2014 / 5:06 pm

    So sorry for you pain and your whole families, but especially Erik’s. Hope he found the comfort he sought.

  10. Jordyn Dinwiddie
    10.06.2014 / 5:52 pm

    Thank you for continually sharing this with the world. Sending hugs and comfort to you and your family.

  11. Alicia Velice
    10.06.2014 / 6:34 pm

    I am So sorry for your loss I could not imagine loosing my little brother in any way. My condolonces are with you and your family.

  12. Sarah
    10.06.2014 / 7:48 pm

    I am so sorry, Kristina. Your story about Erik is one of the first things I read on your website and I have always felt very, very, sad for you and your brother and your family. I suffer from bipolar myself, as does my baby brother, and feel like all the air would go out of the universe if this happened to him. I will definitely tell my family I love them. You are a brave person and as others have said may God comfort you and your family today and everyday. Please take care.

  13. Courtney
    10.06.2014 / 8:55 pm

    I lost my brother to bipolar disorder on August 19th, 2011. He was a shining star, always in the spotlight, phenomenal person, who took his own life by hanging when he lost his struggle. I totally relate to what you mean when they show anything on TV or people make jokes that involve that. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s hard to move on when it’s someone you thought you’d have around forever. <3 *hugs*

    • 10.08.2014 / 12:37 am

      I’m so sorry. I feel you, girl, in so many ways. Kindred souls. *hugs back*

  14. Jaime D
    10.06.2014 / 10:54 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss Kristina. I can’t fathom what it would be like to lose one of my siblings. I lost my dear friend and ex husband to attempted suicide and bi polar disorder. He is still alive in a nursing home but severely brain damaged so it feels like he is gone. I often have guilt that I didn’t protect him and help him enough even though I tried very hard. I also find it disturbing when people hold a gun to their head. How can people find that funny? I will be thinking of you tonight. Sending you a virtual hug. xoxo

    • 10.08.2014 / 12:37 am

      I’m so sorry about your ex husband Jaime. Remember that each person chooses their own path, and I hope one day you can let the guilt go and forgive yourself–although I don’t know you or the circumstances, I’m quite sure you cannot be responsible for another person’s (attempted) suicide! A person’s choices are their own, and theirs to live with. You are a wonderful person, that much shows. Love to you!

  15. 10.07.2014 / 8:33 am

    This just brings tears to my eyes…… God bless you and your family…… So very very sorry for the loss you are feeling……..

  16. 10.07.2014 / 11:59 pm

    Your posts about Erik always make me cry. I have two younger brothers and an older sister who I love more than my life. They are everything to me, and I can only imagine the pain and heartache you’re feeling, and it feels empty to only be able to offer you kind words and virtual hugs, because if I ever met you, Kristina, I would hug you so tight and tell you how much you’ve inspired me the past few years and how much you inspire all the people that read your blog and watch your videos. You’ve helped people in so many ways, and I wish we could help you too. I love you for sharing this part of your life with us. It really means so much. <3

    • 10.08.2014 / 12:19 am

      Aww, Ash! Best comment ever! I accept your hug, and I give you one right back! :-*

  17. Tina
    10.08.2014 / 8:35 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. This post honestly made me cry! Although I never knew him, Erik is in my thoughts. God bless you and your family, Kristina.

  18. 10.08.2014 / 4:22 pm

    I just want to give you a hug. Thinking of you. xoxo

  19. Karen Crane
    10.19.2014 / 3:44 am

    So sorry, ((Hugs))

  20. Lea
    01.22.2015 / 5:02 am

    These stories touched me in more ways then you’ll ever know. I lost my 18 year old brother 15 months ago in a car accident. Like you I remember the call, the drive was a blur and I remember being overwhelmed with anger and denial. However, my biggest lesson was to live my life to the fullest and to find beauty in everything. Thank you for your story of grief.

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